When storms hit our lives the first thing we do is panic and run for shelter. We begin to forget that the storms are hitting because we are transitioning to a new dimension or new place in our life. The storms are just resistance and distractions to keep us from the calmer or better place. Relationships experience a series of storms, storms being defined as hell breaking loose in the relationship or the lives of the participating parties, as it takes its course. The old saying “the calm before the storm”, is so true. Think of this, all relationships are smooth, fun, exciting, manageable, and intriguing in the beginning or before the storm. However when the storm hits the two parties began to panic and put up their defense mechanisms for protection, not realizing that they are equipped to stand in and through the storm together as partners. Unfortunately a lot of relationships fall at the first storm due to ignorance or lack of knowledge. They miss the first very important factor and that is “unconditional love”. See in the first real storm you find out a person’s character, whether they are fighter, a quitter, a complainer, or selfish. You find out if they are long termers or if they are materialistic, so much comes in that first storm. Most first storms come to create havoc and to destroy the foundations that a relationship was built. Most first storms tend to be lengthy because they create the most damage. A relationship’s storm questions whether your love is truly unconditional, meaning to love past a person’s thoughts, actions, and imperfections. Unconditional love is not easy and nor is it developed overnight. Unconditional love is something that is developed over time as you realize that you aren’t perfect therefore neither will your partner be. It is the understanding that in your imperfections as you would like your partner to show you grace and mercy you would need to reciprocate the same to them. This act begins the process of unconditional love. It starts you in the process of discovering and loving yourself as you begin to discover and love someone else. This is an awesome experience in life, you are always getting to learn, love, and appreciate something new about you.
During a storm a person’s emotions come to the forefront and their posture is revealed. That is why it such a profound experience to have a mate to go through a storm with you, because we all view and take on situations so differently. Some of us cry, curse, fuse, become depressed, loose focus, give up, and have no stamina, while others become strong, begin to press, speak positives into their lives and others, and become an example of perseverance. No matter where you are in this you and your mate can work through it. Kind of like this, who is more infectious? Will the positive rub off or will the negative rub off? That’s up to the two parties involved. Who is willing to take the lead? It is not about the man being first because sometimes the man has gone through so much hell before meeting you he is unable to fight! Some women like to be looked at as superwomen but the truth be told they aren’t, it is just a disguise to hide their vulnerability. In spite of their imperfections a woman want to hear and know that their mate still loves them and adores them, and men still want to know that they are loved and needed. If going through a storm is that easy why do most relationships fell?
Most relationships fell through the storm because of selfishness, selfishness in the terms of not building and encouraging one another. Typically during the storm the finger pointing syndrome begins, “it’s his fault, or it’s her fault”. Here are other terms, “he’s a dog, she’s a gold digger, he’s lazy, she’s dumb, and list of complaints and finger pointing continues. People’s feelings become hurt and the thought of being vested in the relationship is no longer there. It is true that storms bring out a person’s character but it shouldn’t be brought out to destroy either party. The showing of the character is to begin the work process. We have heard it all of our lives that “relationships are work”, and they are. It takes work and effort sometimes to love someone. It takes work to compromise and build yourself and someone else up. It takes work to acknowledge and work on your mess. It takes work to pull off your mask and let down your guard and trusts your love and life with someone especially after you have seen their naked truth.
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Disclaimer - This manuscript isn’t for everyone. It is for those that are in love or have a desire to be in love. It is for those that want healthy, happy, and lasting relationships.
Love is such an overwhelming but yet enduring experience. No wonder “love covers the multitude of sin”.[i] “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres”[ii]. One of the first rules to being in love is to understand forgiveness. To forgive is to release one of fault or blame and not rehashing it over and over again in your thoughts or to your mate at your convenience. It is not always easy to forgive but it is healthy and it ensures that forgiveness will be granted to you when you need it. I have seen relationships fall because of no forgiveness, and even lack of communication. We all come short of fulfilling our expectations and our mate’s expectations. This is due to life’s events. To forgive also means to understand. Taking the time to understand your mate is so important. It helps you to really get to know your mate and what makes them tick. Communication is the key! Don’t just communicate when things are good but do it when things are bad! Communicating at a down place allows for you to learn the sincere side of your mate and find a common ground which would allow for you both to work together within realistic terms to get into your new atmosphere or better place. The joy about weathering your first storm is that your relationship will have that much more passion and will be more intense. You will find yourself in a place of upward mobility. Your posture will even change from being jelly back to straight and strong. You will be able to watch the joy on the face and in the heart of your mate. It is fulfilling to know that your life’s experiences have positively affected the person that you truly love. It is not about what we can get out of the relationship as much as it is what we can give in the relationship.
As a young adult I would often times hear opposites attract and later on in life I began to say the same. After a few failed relationships where we were truly opposite I decided that the saying was far from the truth. However my interpretation was wrong. The revelation came and this is what is said, “Opposites do attract, what I am lacking my mate will make up for it!” My strengths will more than likely be his weaknesses and my weaknesses will more than likely be his strengths, which make a lot of sense. Why should my mate and I be weak and strong in the same areas? Therefore when adversity comes it will knock us both down.
Communication is the key in any relationship. It is the tool used to keep each party informed on the other. Communication allows for thoughts to be shared which can change all time, their likes which too can change all the time, and their expectations which can change all the time. Expect your mate’s thoughts, likes, and expectations to change because your relationship is changing and growing. It is a process of maturity. Don’t allow fear to come into the scene during the communication process. Fear will cause you to hold back from your mate’s true thoughts, expectations, and likes. Be confident to know that your issues can be resolved as long as both parties are willing to put forth the work and except their rolls in whatever issue that has arrived. Remember pointing the finger yields 3 pointing back at you, so except your roll. Acknowledging your imperfections makes you a better mate, but what makes you a great mate is working on improving yourself in the area of your imperfections. Remember to encourage your mate through their transition. Let them know you are proud of them. Remind them that they can do it. It’s the gentle nudges that mean a lot, and be mindful not to reflect or bring up the earlier times that they may have failed. You are not perfect and you have failed quit a few times before you transitioned, or maybe you stopped trying and just began to accept the imperfection in your life due to fear and frustration. Whatever the case your mate has found it in their heart to look past your mess.
Embrace your current position in your relationship. You were built to handle it and the person standing with you was built to handle it too. Allow yourself to experience what far too few people have experienced, and that is true unconditional love. You experienced the good, now experience the good in the storm. The turbulence, high winds, and the rain is what brings the two of you closer together, and it is worth the outcome. This is not your relationship’s final destination it is only the beginning of an astonishing journey[iii]. A journey of joy, truth, peace, love, tears, laughs, and sometimes heart breaks, but anything worth having is worth the fight.
